Well, i sure havent been using this as much as i used too…
This time is just gonna be to let off some steam, i feel like if i dont write it or tell anyone about it, i may end up going insane and doing something that i will surely regret later.
This will most likely end up being posted as private, so if your reading this, is either i fucked up and didnt post it privately or just had a change of mind.
I’ve always been a really shy, introverted, and socially awkward guy, you could say i’ve never been too sure of myself, and always had a low self-esteem. I never liked describing myself as I truly dont know how to describe mysel, other than “Im a guy who like music, and video games” so i rather let people make their own profiles of me.
But, on the past few days, i have started to “lose” some of that shyness and social awkwardness, i’ve been able to start, join, and keep on conversations going, i was like taht for almost 4 days in a row!
It felt amazing! i never felt so happy with myself before, but for some reason yesterday everything just went back to its shitty old self, i feel so mad about it, i wish i could somehow express it out loud, but my mind is like completely empty when i try to say something, my anxiety kept on kicking me in the ass all day, i felt completly worthless today…
Hoping that it would had made my day a bit more bright, i hoped to, randomly stumble upon the girl i like on any of the hallways at college, i did see her, and went to say hello to her. But it felt so wrong and “un-natural”
I wanted to just, cross paths with her on the hallways, not see her in one place while she was talking with some friends, and deviated from my normal path just to walk up to her, poke her shoulder, kiss on the cheek and a “Hey! how are ya?” without either of us really responding, and then just walking away.
Guess my, “charm” with the girls is still there.
Which kinda brings me to another topic, i’ve always been a loner, pretty sure it has a lot to do with the way i am and feel most of the time, the way im always talking with myself, over thinking stuff and never really doing anything… I wish to finally find a “special someone” i want to have a girlfriend, someone that i know truly cares for me, someone that thinks im an attractive guy, someone that would always try to make me laugh, some who would always look for me to talk about her day or just random stuff, someone i know will always been thinking of me like i would always be thinking of her, someone who i could trust 100%, someone with whom my shyness and social awkwardness wouldnt matter because i would know she loves me for who i am and not by what i would “pretend” to be.
Just having written that i started thinking to myself… am i really i guy who could actually have a girlfriend?
All my friendships with girl always reach a point were we just continue our separates life, or they just walk always from me for no apparent reason. Like, if they were abandoning me, and im pretty sure they abandon me because of something i did.
Am i really made for that? Am i really a person who could find love?
It just seems like something so odd for me, heck! even my friends wouldnt believe it if the days come when i tell them “hey i have a girfriend guys! i finally made it!”
22 years of life nearing to 23 and they have always been pretty loney in all honesty. Sure i’ve have al ot of great friends that care for me and always have my back for whenever i need them. But that aint the type of loneliness i feel; I always get a weird sense of jealousy when i see a happy couple, they have what i wanted for so long now. I even dont know what the hell i would do if one day i actually had a girlfriend, i have completely no experience and i seriously dont know what the fuck im supposed to do.
I dont like calling myself this, but its just that life keeps pointing towards things that reminds me how much a loser i am. Like, no matter what i do to change things, everything just goes down the hill eventually…